Anxiety, the feeling of your heart dropping through your chest, while your brain is going a hundred miles per hour. Every thought is filled with “what ifs” and endless possibilities of what could go wrong. These were the only thoughts in my head when I had moved to a new high school in 10th grade. 

I was sitting in the far corner of my English class with my mask on, everyone else conversing about the reading assignment within their groups. “What should I talk about?” “How do I even start a conversation?” “What if they don’t hear me?” “What if I say something stupid.” My head thought of everything that could go wrong if I tried to talk. During this internal discord, my English teacher, Mr. Ryan had approached me, “Do you have anyone to work with?” My heart felt like it had been stomped on. I could see the pity in his eyes and I hated it. I nodded no and he left me alone, letting me sulk in my internal discord. This constant struggle affected me throughout school and I hated this anxious feeling and decided I would avoid it at all costs. In class I focused on getting my work done and at lunch I would just listen to music. But rolling up into a ball and avoiding social interaction only continued to hurt me. Having no one to talk to or anything to look forward to in the school day other than going home. 

I felt all alone, but I wasn’t. In his own little way, Mr. Ryan was trying to help me. For the next few weeks he constantly called on me trying to get me to talk. In discussions he would call on me first and keep asking questions to hear my thoughts. At first I was always terrified, scared of making an idiot of myself — of potentially saying the wrong thing. I was scared of being judged. But the more he called on me the more comfortable I became. It wasn’t just through discussion that Mr. Ryan pushed me, but also through writing. He gave a free write assignment where we could talk about whatever was on our minds. Instantly I was pouring onto the paper everything in my head. Like finally I could get how I felt out into the world. It felt relieving. 

After 20 minutes writing out my life story, Mr. Ryan said it was time to share and present with the class a short synopsis of what we had written. My heart dropped. Mr. Ryan called on me first and even though I had my mask on, you could see the fear in my eyes. Talking in front of a large audience sent shivers down my spine. At that moment, I was stuttering, struggling to get my overwhelming thoughts together and even saying a cohesive sentence. Mr. Ryan noticed and told me to breathe and take a second to focus. It felt like a spotlight was on me, exposing my anxious vulnerability to the world. 

I focused on my essay, remembering what I had written and poured all my effort into. I had the words right in front of me, I just needed the strength to say it. I took a deep breath and realized if I mess up it’s okay, I just need to try my best. I started speaking and at one point I wasn’t even thinking, the words were just coming out of my mouth. The anxious thoughts that always hoarded me had disappeared just for those few minutes. I wasn’t thinking, I was just doing.

After that day, I started taking more charge in class. As I began raising my hand more, I realized that speaking about the books we read — such as Lord of the Flies — allowed me to engage with language in a new way. I could express thoughts that were locked behind my anxiety, and sharing them felt empowering. This allowed me to gradually gain the confidence to start conversing with the people around me about the classwork. It didn’t go anywhere the first few times, but I just needed it to work once. This period marked significant growth in my life. Despite the initial discomfort and isolation, I began to understand how language could be a tool to overcome my internal discord. 

In English class through our discussions I was able to put myself out there more and more. Through the books we read I was able to find characters that related to how I felt. Piggy, one of the characters in the Lord of the Flies, was ignored and never felt included in the larger group. Serena Joy, from The Handmaid’s Tale, always felt alone in the beginning because she never had anyone to talk to about what she was going through. I found solace within the stories I read, as if I wasn’t the only one going through this. 

In the end, Mr. Ryan’s English class wasn’t just about speaking up, buct learning how language could help me overcome my fears. Through reading, writing, and discussion, I found the confidence to express my thoughts and push my anxiety to the side. The uncomfortability was what led to my growth. Looking back I have changed so much as a person since then. I have continued journaling in my notes app and my ability to be social increased drastically. The anxiousness hasn’t disappeared, I don’t think it ever will, but I have the courage now to push past it and show my true self to others.